i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
