I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize