Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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