giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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