Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
