Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
