the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
