just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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