I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize