I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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