I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
