everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
