I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
