She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
