mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize