Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
