just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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