do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
