I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
