I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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