I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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