I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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