Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
