Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
