I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my sisters under your porch take her home
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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