I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
