Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
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