hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Still dying that you shit outside
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
