Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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