I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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