I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Randomize
