what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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