I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
