Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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