I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
