My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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