Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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