I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
