WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
