im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
