I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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