I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
