FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
