I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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