my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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