I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
