yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
