I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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