I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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