Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
