I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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