Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I would ride that face into the sunset
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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