im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
