My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
