My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
