3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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