The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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