he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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