My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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